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The number of women pursuing higher education has risen over the past 20 years. Also rising — at least among my female community college students — is the sense that one especially pressing reason to crash classes, take out the loans and burn the midnight oil is that even in a weak economy, relying on a man for anything other than passing entertainment is a poor bet indeed.
This doesn't mean that young women would want to learn any less if reliable men were available, but it does mean that part of the pressure they're feeling to succeed and succeed early is linked to an ever-louder message about male fecklessness. Based on just 20 in-depth interviews, Hard to Get makes a compelling case that young women are both more ambitious — and also more conflicted about relationships — than ever before. Writing in the Atlantic this month, Bell notes that young women are both hungry for romance and genuinely fearful about the likelihood that relationships will "derail" their own plans.
Not only have they taken to heart the dangers of "relying on a man" that my students mention, they're doubtful about the possibilities of "staying on track" even in a financially egalitarian relationship: "Confused about freedom and desire, young women often split their social and psychological options — independence, strength, safety, control, and career versus connection, vulnerability, need, desire, and relationships — into mutually exclusive possibilities in life.
Romantic relationships then often become something to be avoided and denigrated rather than embraced. The next generation of bubbly Save time, money, and ultimately help save the planet by forgoing your La Croix. This "splitting" between contradictory desires for love and success is, as Bell points out, tied in to diminished expectations about male behavior. She cites the influence of increasingly popular evo-psych arguments about "irreconcilable differences" between men and women; more than ever before, girls grow up convinced that men are hardwired to disappoint if not betray.
In the face of compelling claims that love will hurt even if you can find it, the young woman who prioritizes romantic fulfillment risks facing an embarrassing chorus of "we told you so" when things go wrong as she is reminded that they invariably will. That fearfulness, Bell writes, is markedly at odds with how something women pursue their professional ambitions.
Perhaps women would do better to be as bold romantically as they have become intellectually. That's easy enough advice to give. It's great to encourage young women to be bolder about going for what they want, but that encouragement needs to be accompanied by a challenge to young men as well. I can only take so much BS before I throw in the towel. My life is happier when my love life is non-existent. How am I supposed to be enthusiastic about dating when dating makes me so damn miserable?
I wish I could keep looking at the glass as half full. After everything, though, this screwed up glass feels half empty. There are so many fish in the sea, but too many of those fish are total jerks. So tell me again: why should I be optimistic? Maybe I need a break from dating. Maybe I just need to take some time to focus on my life alone. I just want a man who can live up to his potential. I give plenty of men chances, but they always seem to take me for granted.
I want a relationship, but that seems pretty damn hard to find. I want more than an almost-relationship. Are they hiding somewhere?
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